die.. die...

can i just die??? aiiyyooo.. this is killing me.. u r one irrational creature that i've ever knew..

stalking

stalking someone.. looking at pics.. someone i knew very well before.. urgh, all the memories keep coming back again.. dun wanna feel this way but mayb i'm juz bored.. can't sleep.. dis is not normal.. i think i should sleep.. wat am i doing.. i need motivation to study actually.. school counselling notes are not inviting at all.. keep trying to read at least a chapter(slides) but nothing productive.. juz like mira, maybe i need pressure too then i can start studying.. that will be today.. then, i can go home.. i want to go back home but at the same time dun wanna this sem to end.. the same feeling at the end of every sem.. kinda sad.. kinda gloomy.. kinda empty..

weird...

this is totally weird.. it's been a while i haven't update my blog.. jd kalo aq dh update nih, msti ade sumthing la nih.. urgh.. i'm such a bad person.. i know & more worst, i didn't do anything to avoid that from happening.. before this, when i do sumthing, it doesn't involve anyone else.. not at all.. i do it bcoz i want to.. but now.. this thing.. it involves other people's feelings.. that can make that person will break into pieces if that person would ever know about it.. people that i care so much.. oh.. heart.. oh GOD.. help me.. don't let me lost you again and again.. i know i already did.. but..

i'm just scared..

car license

last few weeks, i was very happy to hear that my good fren has pass her driving license test.. i was totally happy for her.. i'm impressed & at the same time, i wonder how she could pass the test? haha.. never mind.. i know she could and she already prove it.. congrat my fren! for me, having a car license is a great advantage for people at my age to enable us to go anywhere without having to ask for help or make it a burden to other people to provide transportation.. unfortunately, till now, i still haven't own a car license.. i'm 22! come on.. why didn't i get one?? it's easy.. because no one can give me a guarantee to give me a car.. no one ever promise to me.. wat is the use to have a car license if i didn't have a car, rite..so, in my simple yet demanding mind, i won't apply a car license unless someone can give me a car.. actually there is one but.. i prefer my family to give me a car..

so, several weeks ago, my second elder brother came to my house.. without he realizing it, he had given me a HOPE in my 'meaningless and feeling boring during holidays' life.. he wants to give me his Honda car to me.. .. actually, he just bought a new car.. by now, maybe the new car already arrived, i guess.. yeah, i'm glad to hear that, my big bro.. however, now, it's already disember, i dun think i wil be able to finish my driving lesson for a month if i apply now minus the fact that rite now, i'm being a tutor to my neighbour's children & that i will be going to s'pore on 20th .. so.. i will just book the car for the next sem,part 6, i guess.. with this kind of guarantee, then, i will totally apply for a driving lesson later.. finally~~*sigh*

uncivilized road users

maybe it is fate that i only up date my blog whenever there are long holidays which is 2 months semester break... hrmm.. i'm clueless on wat to write actually.. well, i suddenly remember about a situation that really annoys me & i'm sure anyone else too.. few days ago, my sister in law and i went to a mall.. there was a big sale during that day.. so, of course there will be a lot of people came who contribute to 'not enough parking', duh.. while searching for a parking, then, we found one.. very strategic one.. we waited for the car to move out from the place.. when the car get lost, suddenly, there was one fucking stupid car came by and park right into the place.. at the moment, we r so pissed off.. i press the car horn like crazy.. the stupid car driver, i dun know.. maybe pretending dat he did nothing wrong.. i dun want to get off the car to ask him to leave.. i've my pride.. it was a MALAY man and a girl.. so, we drive away with anger.. accidentally, my sister in law & i gave out a very good brilliant idea while searching for another car park which took us about 15 min.. wat we did was, we went back to the stupid idiot car.. took out a coin and scratched the car from the front to the back.. wat a feeling! my sister in law was very excited... she done that twice.. look like she was pissed off..we left quite a long memorable scratching line to his car.. haha, i felt bad but i dun care.. what that man did was very uncivilized..

lalala..

time goes by very fast.. phew.. soo not like it.. i read sumwhere that exam result will be out on 11th of this month.. wow.. scary.. serious.. dun know wat my result will turn out.. no idea at all.. but i guess this 3rd sem exam result will be soo not cool.. i've a bad feeling.. ;( well, i dun want this holiday to end very soon.. i'm not ready to face the new sem.. all the new subjects, assignments, quizzes and all that.. waa... that are soo not cool!! hurm.. i dunno y but rite now i've became a movie maniac.. every week i watched late nite movies.. love to watch movie soo much.. ;)) i blame my sister in law.. she drags me to become movie maniac.. huh..

besides, it seems weird for me also bcoz this holidays, i often accompany a friend of mine, yun, to promote a product.. she sells herbal sanitary pad.. i've to admit the pad feels good and it can heals a lot of sickness during period also such as 'senggugut', period yg x seragam, headaches, resdung & a lot more.. u can stick the pad on ur skin.. even man do it also.. u stick the pad on ur face if u've jerawat bcoz of resdung.. for exmple laa.. it actually works, u know!! haha.. weird but true.. i salute her bcoz she is so determine to do business.. but not for me.. i'm too lazy to do those kinds of thing.. huu.. anyway, thnx to jannah for feeding me wen i'm at ur home.. yummy.. hehe.. i'm sure u r very good in cooking.. ;))

it's juz me..

to begin, there is a quote saying that..
'Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death'

so, it's good to know dat u r okay now.. i guess i'm being a little coward.. i wanna show dat i care but i juz dun know how to say 0r at least show it.. like when u r in a bad mood b4, i juz dunno how to treat u like usual.. dis is one of my bad, i guess.. i only asked bout u from one of our friends.. i was scared u know when i heard bout ur situation coz i'm terrified dat i'll face the same situation too.. i can't afford to lose someone dat i love again.. i totally know the feeling when losing someone & in fact, i am facing the phase where i am losing part of myself bit by bit.. watching and taking care of my mother who is in pain.. and having to deal with this alone.. actually, i'm living alone with my mother right now.. it's been a week since my elder brother went to jb working.. can u imagine how i live my life by myself & at the same time having to take care of my mother.. i cook by myself if i want to eat.. although not everyday but still, it's tiring for a lazy person like me.. usually, my brother will juz buy food from outside.. mostly we eat outside meal rather than home meal.. dat's y i said some of you are so lucky to still have a healthy mother to cook for you. u name it, ur mother will cook for u rite? there's no such thing in my house.. it's been 3 years my mother haven't cook for our family.. there's no different actually between living in s.alam & living in my own house.. always eating outside meal, duh.. i can say dat i am very independent at home.. i realize dat i've to rely on myself, no more like school children.. people can say dat i'm childish sumtimes but they never know wat i'm going through.. juz stop talking bout others wen u urself r not perfect though.. anyway, usually, i go to mall alone wen i think i need to be alone.. well, i usually hang out with my high skul frens.. they are very nice & soooo funny.. i totally forgot about my probs when i'm with them.. well, they are a bunch of good people, really.. sumtimes, i feel dat i'm not deserve to be their fren... coz i did kinda bad things & they never know bout wat i did.. sorry, guys.. it's better for me 2 shut my mouth.. however, in the end of the day, i realize i can't avoid myself from being lonely sometimes.. i wish i have a sister.. anyway, my brother will be back home soon.. i dunno whether i should be hepi or annoyed.. uurrgghh...

last last nite, i hang out with my sister in law.. she is nice, shopaholic & lurve perfume too much.. she has a big collection of branded perfumes.. i'm jealous.. btw, da good point is she can't cook at all.. she fails miserably!! haha, she is such a spoilt brat, i guess... she went to jb yesterday for a work course.. wat a coincidence for husband & wife to be in a same place.. huh, they annoys me sometimes.. well, suddenly i juz remember about my 2nd elder brother, he & wife + tasnim(my one & only anak buah) has moved out to kedah.. so far away from bp.. huh.. fine.. btw, they juz went back from bandung.. again.. shopping heaven.. i'm so jelez.. they will come to bp next month.. i hope they bought somethng for me or else, i'll get angry..